Take Me Home
by viilea
Summary: There's nothing quite like having nothing to live for. Adommy.
1. Amsterdam

The last drops of alcohol trickled down, bitter on his tongue. There was nothing quite like that slight buzz in the back of his head after a bottle.  
In the mirror was the reflection of a strange being, lips painted smoldering blue and eyes accented by a shadowy black under the cover of blonde locks. There was nothing quite like the way he looked on stage.

Shrugging off his costume and throwing it in the hamper, he began to smell less of marijuana. It wouldn't come off his breath. He didn't want it to anyway.  
_The sensation up being bent backwards, his lips crashing up against his, the scent of combination and weed on his breath. There was screaming – yes – lots of it. Some far off place where it came from was irrelevant._  
Slipping into a simple outfit unlike the elaborate ones he wore on stage, he felt more at home. The soft, familiar fabric on his skin.  
_The bass drum booming in his ear, snare sounding off like one thousand bullets being shot off were not really there. Hearing each individual string as they were strummed was only him. It didn't register to anybody else._  
Dragging a small make up removing wipe across his eyes, tugging at the places it clung to his lids. Wiping the sticky lipstick off, although to no avail, was comforting. Comfort was all he wanted.  
_He pulled away, launching back into the chorus as if it had no effect on him. But if only he knew the effect he had._

Stepping outside to the immense screaming that was the crowd pushing up against the hardly enforced barrier brought him out of the haze.  
_People would ask._  
Thanking each and every one of them even if it was him that should be thanked for taking the time to go through this hell which included being grabbed at by the utmost strangers.  
_And ask they did._

"Are you two official?"  
"When did you start fucking?"  
"I wish I had a sexy boyfriend like yours."

He smiled but dare not answer their catcalls. Nothing was really happening anyway.  
_That tongue working his mouth open, the steady presence of his body next to his. He couldn't compare it to anyone. He'd never compare it to anything._  
The lights and shouts sent him into a lightheaded daze so he listened to a story of how he was being used and cheated on by someone he wouldn't ever date.  
_Whatever sounds that microphone made sliding up and down the strings would remain a turn on for the rest of his life. It wasn't even a pretty sound; the sound he'd fooled around with, dragging his nail down the thick grooves in each string when he first got the guitar._  
He was being ushered away from the tidal wave finally, unsure of what was next.  
Nobody was there. Whoever placed their hand reassuringly on the small of his back and led him there was gone.

Worn out, he clambered up the inlaid ladder to his bunk deciding he would lay there and try to forget. Forget everything and just be.  
Mind fogged from the pot and alcohol, he lazily collapsed onto his bunk.  
Whatever sound came from him was surely inhuman, but it surely jolted him out of his daze.

"Tommy?" his familiar voice murmured. The lights were dim but not dim enough that Tommy was unable to scale the ladder.  
He looked down at Adam, some shard of light in his clear eyes glinting in the muted light.  
"Tommy Joe?"  
"Aaadam…?" something of the insane emotion flitting through his head must have showed. He wondered whether it was the way his voice trembled or the way he could barely complete those two syllables.  
"Um," and he was kissing him.

His lips were soft and apologetic, the cherry chapstick leaving nothing but a faint flavor on his lips.

"Do you even know?" Tommy pulled away, not looking at Adam as he was pulled onto the bunk from the ladder. Whatever he implied by the question, Adam understood.  
"Tell me," Adam whispered, lips close to Tommy's, eyes searching for contact. Tommy could feel Adam's lashes against his forehead flitting back and forth.  
"I…," Tommy murmured. He finally tilted his chin up and closed the gap between their lips.  
It was instant to Adam.  
He let his hand trail down the soft cotton of Tommy's shirt, to the waist of his jeans. He whined into the kiss as it became increasingly passionate.  
Adam's fingers pulled at the denim, resting a hand against the back of Tommy's head as he did so. They only broke the kiss to breathe.  
Tommy's hand met Adam's, first as a way to help him. Then his thin fingers wrapped around Adam's wrist firmly.

"Stop." He said suddenly, with much more force than intended. He planned to take Adam's hand away but it shot away at the word instantly. It reminded him of spraying a cat with water.  
"I'm sorry." Adam said, pulling away from Tommy's body and into a sitting position across the bunk.  
There was a long silence after Tommy had sat up.

"I'm straight." Tommy said. It was more a way to convince, remind himself than to tell Adam. Because Adam knew.  
"It's not my place…" Adam answered already getting himself up to leave.  
"No," Tommy said, distant. "It isn't."


	2. Misery

A/N: Short chapter. :/

* * *

Things resumed some level of normality.  
Both of them _knew._  
Both of them would never speak of it again.  
It would remain a blip on the radar that would be tangled in their better memories.

"Can I ask you a question?" Adam said the instant everyone left the room.  
"You just did," Tommy stated, looking everywhere but the pain that was Adam's eyes.  
"When the tour ends" - Tommy couldn't help but cringe – "I'm staying in Paris for a few weeks after."  
"Cool." Tommy picked up a copy of _The Rolling Stone _with Metallica on the cover and mindlessly flipped through the pages.  
"I was gonna ask if you wanted to stay with me." Adam's gaze pulled Tommy's from the magazine. Tommy didn't say anything. "Please say something." _Please say yes.  
_"Why should I?" Tommy asked in a monotone.  
"Because it will be fun and we'll have a really great time." Adam answered like he had been waiting for Tommy to ask this question since forever.  
"That's vague." Tommy made a slight gesture to the air next to him.  
"I'm starting to get really fed up with this hard to get façade you've been putting up. I made a mistake, okay? I'm sorry! I've told you that a million times. It won't happen again. Seriously, I try to reach out and be nice to you, treat you like a normal person, and I get this shit? No! That's not okay, Tommy!" Adam spat. Without giving Tommy time to do anything, he turned on his heel and stalked out the door.

Tommy could still feel Adam's presence in the room. He set down the magazine, curled up on the couch and tried not to start crying. His breathing was shaky and his eyes were probably getting misty by the way his vision fogged up but he couldn't fucking cry.  
"I'm such a bitch." He choked out. He hadn't expected Adam to do that. He should have. He deserved it way sooner. Adam was right. Tommy had led him on like a naïve little puppy and then kicked him out in the cold. All he was doing was try to be nice and spend quality time with his friend. It seemed like their relationship was over.

But because Adam was that kind of guy and Tommy wanted to be that kind of guy, their onstage antics didn't waver. Adam didn't give Tommy a chance to talk to him offstage so all he could do was give him apologetic glances whenever he could.  
People noticed. They always did with Adam and Tommy.

Taylor approached him in Milan before they went onstage.  
"What's going on with you and Adam?" he shouted over the increasing roar of the crowd.  
"Nothing." Tommy mouthed, mood soiled. Did he really have to answer this shit?  
"Well I'm here for you if you wanna talk." He said before Tommy walked into the strobe lights and became a different person.

Monte confronted him late at night on the bus one night.  
"You and Adam are hardly talking anymore," he stated.  
"And?" Tommy retorted, irritation escalating.  
"It's just weird. Did anything happen?" Monte asked.  
"No." Tommy said tersely, getting up to go to bed.  
The bunk would remind him of that night. Of Adam's body on top of him, heat radiating off of him in tidal waves. He hadn't been able to sleep in it for days after. The memories still grabbed at him like thin tendrils trying to tear him asunder from time to time. He couldn't stand it. But if he slept anywhere else, everybody would eventually connect the dots.  
"Tommy, I'm not an idiot." Monte replied.  
Tommy turned around. "I just should have said yes to Paris." He spat and stalked off to the bunk. He would have nightmares that night.


	3. Heartbreak

Clouds billowed out tall and menacing triggering Tommy's irrational fear of being close to the tiny plane window. He didn't enjoy flying and he certainly didn't enjoy flying over large bodies of water full of slime monsters in the midst of a storm. The pilot could assure him that it was no big deal but as the clouds suddenly let a bolt of lightning jolt down into the abyss of ocean, not even a $200 Taco Bell gift card would convince him these were the last hours of his lame life. He had tried the typical tactics that soothed him before: blast his music over the sound of the engines, read SkyMall and laugh at the pointless products with Isaac, chat up the flight attendant, run through bass lines using right arm as the fret board, counting how long it took the plane to fly past a cloud. Nothing. His heart was just pounding; he could feel it as he pressed two fingers against his jugular vein.

"Check out this thing," Isaac brought him back to reality and thrust page thirty two of the SkyMall in his face.  
"What the fuck is that?" he asked.  
"LANGUAGE!" someone in front of them squealed but Tommy was way too distracted to even give her the finger.  
"I don't know it's like something you install in your fence and your dog can stick its head in and look outside." Isaac pointed at the picture as he explained.  
"It looks like those things in the McDonald's play place," Tommy ever-so-expertly observed.  
"Yeah… it does! Hm," Isaac pulled away and went back to scouring through the Bloody Mary-stained magazine and Tommy was thrown back into his personal hell 30,000 feet above the ground.  
_Adam is in Paris right now. And he's not alone._ Over and over and over.

"Hi. Just wondering how Paris is. L.A. is really boring. See ya."  
Isaac was over – surprise – with some new band he discovered that's supposed to be the new trend in the hip and certainly trendy young people L.A. scene. He didn't really love their sound and neither did Isaac so they opted for a Slayer playlist. With that playing in the background, Tommy found an old silent movie and they opening a couple of beers and that was his Friday night.

"Hey. It's me again. Hope Paris is fun. Haven't seen any paparazzi pictures yet. Just so you know."  
Clubs were certainly not his thing, but after Mia had insisted they get together, this just so happened to be her idea of a great night. He spent most of his time at the bar trying to get a conversation rolling with Mia but nothing came to his already alcohol altered mind. He really didn't want to talk about Adam or Glam Nation because he didn't want to break down crying in front of all these strangers even though it was the only thing that had happened since they last met up. Disappointed, Mia decided to take Tommy home early and was on her way. It was a Monday anyways. Mondays always suck.

"Tommy again. Pick up? Tell Sauli hi."  
Wednesday he spent on Omegle bored as fuck. When trolling lost its fun, he retired to the couch with a bottle of beer and five more on the floor next to him. Whatever happened on Weeds he'll never know because he was drunk within ten minutes. Who needs a liver? Who needs to live when the only person he found worth living for was off in the most romantic city in the world with Sauli? Tommy had contemplated it. But it was stupid. Bad idea. Really stupid.

"Hello?" Tommy picked up the phone in the middle of an afternoon M*A*S*H marathon. He couldn't deny the erratic flutter of his heart when he saw that caller-ID.  
"Tommy?" came the voice from the other end of the line. It sounded different. Tommy's heart sank to his toes and he was suddenly dreading the next few minutes with his entire being. _Hang up now before the heartbreak._  
"This is," he said quietly.  
"Cool! Sauli is trying to teach me Finnish even though we're in Paris. He says that I need to go to Finland some day and I reminded him that's where we met, but then he was like 'no you need to really see it' so I said okay and I guess we're going in February," Adam said quickly and Tommy could hear giggling in the background that would have to only be Sauli's. "It's so crazy here. Everything is like I imagined it with all the little bistros and stores and the Eiffel Tower, _oh God, _it's just so amazing! We're having the greatest time."  
"Great. That's great. I'm so glad for you," Tommy replied, deadpanned. He could literally feel his heart shattering into thousands of little pieces. It was worse than when his girlfriend Lara had cheated on him in high school with another girl and told him he was just her experiment. And considering they were actually in a relationship much unlike this fantasy one Tommy had made up with Adam, that was scary.  
"I took so many pictures. Sauli has this amaaaazing camera and it's just so much fun! It's midnight over here, what time is it in L.A.? Are you even in L.A.? You're probably screwing some chick in, like, Utah or something!" Adam took a moment to laugh, "Oh my God, what am I even thinking? Utah! Ha! Tommy I think I'm drunk… Oh, hey…" Tommy could hear the flirty smile in Adam's voice and imagined his hand reaching up to Sauli's face to caress his cheek. And it would only be a matter of seconds before Adam told him he and Sauli were gonna go continue having the time of their lives in the city of amour and then hang up unaware of the collateral damage he just did to his bass player in three minutes.  
And sure enough: "I'll see ya later, Tommy. Tell everyone I'm alive. Sauli has insisted I ignore all calls on our little vacation. Or whatever. BYE!"

Tommy sat there numbly, the click of Adam's phone hanging up echoing in his brain until he didn't even remember what it even represented. He decided it was a metaphor for all the strings that kept Adam and Tommy friends snapping as Adam drew the scissors and cut them all off. But Adam still had strings with Sauli.  
His vision had gone tunnely by the time he finally set his phone down. He briefly acknowledged the fact he had began to cry. He texted Monte and Lisa, cancelling their plans for later that night and even told Longineu the chances of them getting together Saturday were low.  
And there went Tommy's sanity. Out the door just like Adam was probably pulling Sauli out their hotel door trying to convince him that going to a club would be better than the hotel.


	4. 711

A/N: Sorry, my writing style is not very consistent at 1 in the morning... I can't even type.

* * *

_U alive? _Isaac texted.

Just barely. Adam's phone call had gotten to him. He should have known that they were only friends, there was never anything else. He considered that he should be happy for Adam. He also considered how much he didn't care people were worried. He wasn't stupid enough to kill himself, but he wasn't smart enough not to let the blade slice his wrists every night. However it got to that point was irrelevant, but raging in the corner of the living room and not eating wasn't helping.

_Coming back 2 LA later today, _some mystery number made his phone come to life. Like he cared.

Oh yeah. He'd deleted Adam's number.

_Looks like I'll be leaving then,_ Tommy shot back, a sudden wave of anger overcoming all of his judgement and rationality. It didn't bother him because it'd all vanished the second he took that blade to his skin.

Throwing his phone on the floor and grabbing a jacket and keys, Tommy slammed the door to his apartment with intentions of never coming back. Heaving himself into a beat up two-seat car that he had rented but never payed for, a million things flashed through his mind. No matter what, he wanted to be as far away from Adam as possible and if there wasn't an ocean separating them, then hopefully the Great Plains could. Florida would be cool, too.

After escaping the Los Angeles traffic, Tommy got on what looked like a highway (he couldn't really see from the crying) and took off as fast as he could without getting pulled over. However much money that was in his wallet was to be used strictly for gas, not speeding fines. The only thing on his mind right now was getting far, far away. It would end up a complete mess and there would have to be some major cover up when Adam turns out without his bass player at the Jingle Balls and last two Glam Nation shows because his bass player was a) dead, b) almost dead or most likely c) trying to stay the fuck away from everybody.

He was still driving.  
Kansas was a pretty boring state.  
It looked fun in Tommy's world of extreme exhaustion.  
However the fuck it was realistic or plausible he was in Kansas after two days was beyond him.

"What can I do for ya, hun?" an overweight woman behind the counter asked. Tommy had decided this was a common look for the women who worked as gas stations in the middle of fucking nowhere.  
"Oh… um… ah," he ran a hand through his hair. It needed to be washed and cut and why the fuck couldn't Sutan help him with that? "Gas. I got some. I put it in mah car…"  
"And?" the clerk replied. Tommy could barely hear her over the extremely loud pounding in his ears and smack of her gum chewing.  
"Yeah, me too," he said.  
"Hun, you don't look good. You sure you okay?" she leaned closer to him but he was gone.  
"Wonderful!" he exclaimed, eyes unblinking at some invisible object in the distance.  
"I don't think you should be drivin'," the clerk said and came around the counter. She led Tommy into a closet that was apparently the break room/janitor's closet/employee hangout.  
"I just love him." Tommy pouted when she pushed him down into an aging chair.  
"I know, baby. Just rest here."

When he woke up, it was dark. Some woman hobbled in the room with a broom, gave Tommy an unsure look and left. She brought back another woman, vaguely familiar.  
"Hun? Honey?" she called, shaking him. _She's strong.  
_"Hi. Do you have internet?" he asked.  
"Intafet?" the woman with the broom hollered.  
"I need internet," Tommy pleaded to the clerk.  
"Hun, we don't got none. There's a hotel down the road that a ways and they gots it."  
"Thank you so much!" Tommy shook the clerk's slimy hand and was out the door. The search for his car was brief because it was still parked up next to the pump.

At the hotel, after some necessary flirting, the cougar of a receptionist allowed him five minutes on the internet. He logged into Twitter and, yeah, it was bad. Isaac and Monte had tweeted him an upwards of forty times. Adam had tweeted him a vague 'how's it goin?' but that meant nothing to him. That Adam would try to even waste his time on him after that call tore the band-aid right off that wound. He tweeted some bullshit about being really busy with watching his TV shows. By doing that, he accepted that would require another two and a half day long trip back to Los Angeles.  
The receptionist tapped him on the shoulder, uniform already unbuttoned a little too far down to be protocol. She gave him a flirty look from underneath her extremely fake false lashes.  
"I'm not sorry…?" Tommy shook his head and ran out of that hotel. _She better not see my car…_

The drive/road trip had cleared his mind mostly. The tweet from Adam still tore him up inside but he wasn't cutting as frequently. He didn't have to anymore. It still made him feel better but he really didn't think it would be good if his secret got out. He walked into his apartment, feet dragging from the lack of sleep and collapsed down on the sofa. His phone had exploded but there wasn't anything in the world that would make him want to check it right now.


	5. Rock Bottom

A/N: Short chapter but I ain't even mad. Reviews make me want to keep writing o3o

* * *

"Babe?" Tommy cried desperately into his phone.  
"Tommy, I'm not your babe! I-"  
"Alejandro, Alejandro…" Tommy sang back._ I am fucking hilarious,_ he thought.  
"No, Tommy. Seriously stop calling me that. This is Isaac, you know?" Isaac spoke slowly.  
"Sure do, man. I haven't been sober since Kansas, so I'm not upset with Monte." Tommy slurred.  
"You're mad at Monte? Wait- Kansas? What the hell are you saying?"  
Tommy spun a half full beer bottle in circles on the ground like a personal game of Spin the Bottle. Prize? Masturbation, maybe. Most likely more beer.  
"Tommy? Are you there? What's going on?" Isaac said. He was concerned for his friend but it wasn't like Tommy could piece that together.  
"Yee, bro. K-S wuz jus' poppin'. 'Twas fly," Tommy smiled when the bottle actually ended up on himself.  
"Sober up and I'll talk to you later," Isaac muttered and hung up. Tommy slumped over onto the ground and rolled the bottle back and forth. It wasn't fun being drunk alone.

"I'm touching myself," Tommy whispered into the speaker.  
"Uh…" Adam said, dumbfounded.  
"Thinking of you," Tommy hissed, his hand feathering up his length. Some time ago he had decided since he won Spin the Bottle he would masturbate. Nothing else to really do.  
"Tommy, you're drunk." Adam finally answered.  
"No shit. Haven't been sober for four days. Thanks to you," he chuckled, "I wish this was you." Tommy wrapped his hand around his dick and put slight pressure on it as he stroked up and down. _Fuck._  
"Please just hang up," Adam deadpanned.  
"You."  
"I-I can't?" he admitted.  
"Does this turn you on?" Tommy asked through gritted teeth. Adam made some high pitched mewl in the back of his throat. "That's a yes. My place ASAP," and hung up.

By the time he had gotten over his hangover (which he just soothed with more alcohol), Adam still hadn't shown up. _Traffic. He's just in traffic, _Tommy reassured himself every other minute. He wasn't completely sure what would happen even if/when Adam showed up. He played Red Dead and drank beer in the dark for the rest of the day waiting for Adam to call him or something. When he didn't by dinnertime, Tommy decided to call him. His battery was dwindling at this point but Adam doesn't care enough about Tommy to care if his line suddenly died.

"Hey, I can't talk for long," Adam answered. He sounded slightly out of breath.  
"Yeah, well you didn't have enough time to come over last night either. Sorry for being such a bother," Tommy spat back.  
"What? I didn't come over last night because I didn't want to have sex with you," Adam sounded disgusted.  
"Wow, thanks for being so fucking repulsed by me. Wasn't my fault I was drunk-"  
"Actually, it was."  
"-and you sounded so god damned horny with your whining and shit." Tommy ignored Adam's interruption.  
"Tommy, I have a boyfriend…"  
"Yeah, a boyfriend that's so much more important that you just screw all your other friends – not like that – over because he's so much more important than everyone else." Tommy wasn't a good drunk.  
"Well I'm sorry! I'm sorry for finally finding somebody who doesn't just use me for my fame and actually cares about me!" his voice was starting to get louder.  
"Oh please. If he cared about you he wouldn't insist on spending every second with you. He'd let you breathe a bit! He would trust you with me!"  
"It's not my fault you decide to call me at the most inconvenient times." Adam said.  
"Fuck you!" Tommy shouted and was about to hang up when Adam started talking.  
"Yeah, I would have if you didn't reject me like that in Amsterdam," Adam shouted. "Sau-" Then Tommy's phone died.


	6. Safe

_They have been knocking for forever. I don't want to be evicted. _There wasn't much going on in his sleepy haze of drunkenness. Except, of course, for that god damned knocking. If he lay here long enough they would eventually have to give up and go to the crackhead's apartment downstairs and kick him out first. It was nice like this. The knocking on the paper thin door became a sort of lullaby instead of an annoying pounding beat. Tommy wondered if there was a point you could be tipsy for so long you were just permanently drunk. Life would be pretty easy like that. No worries, no blame, no fucks given.

The knocking stopped when the knocker found the key on top of the door and got in. If it were a robber, they wouldn't be knocking. Or did they knock now? Oh god.  
Tommy leapt off the sofa and tumbled down to the floor. He regained enough balance to throw himself at the intruder before he started throwing punches left and right and diagonal and west and north.

"GET THE FUCK OFF ME!" the intruder screamed as his arms flew up to protect his face from being punched in. "I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!" Tommy rolled off Isaac.

"Hey buddy," he grinned as if he hadn't just given Isaac a black eye and broken nose.  
"FUUUUUUCK! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?" Isaac waddled over to the kitchen in an attempt to stop the flow of blood spouting from his nose.  
"I thought you were Adam," Tommy shrugged as if beating up his boss was the absolute norm. Isaac didn't talk to Tommy for a long time while he tried to clean himself up.  
"Do you have a First-Aid kit?" Isaac's voice was stuffy from the blood.  
"Used it on the hamster I bought."  
"The what?"  
"I bought a hamster at PetSmart and then I got drunk and dropped it from, like, high," Tommy explained. He was still on the floor but was now rolling around.  
"Just- whatever." Isaac disappeared into the bathroom, shouted a lot and came back with a reset nose and a towel on his nose.  
"Your eyes are black," Tommy observed.  
"Really?"

They sat there in silence for a long time as Isaac tried to calm down. He was prepared to beat the shit out of Tommy but he couldn't. Tommy was drunk, insecure, weak, depressed. It wasn't his fault.

"When was the last time you were sober?" Isaac finally asked when the blood had mostly stopped flowing. Tommy waved his arm around, gesturing awhile ago.  
"Her name was River and she was brown and I really loved her," Tommy mumbled and curled up in a ball.  
"I'm sorry, Tommy," Isaac was taken by surprise when his friend started sobbing and twitched and snorting. He pat him on the back feeling extremely uncomfortable.  
"Don't leave me. I'm a mess. I don't even know the year anymore!" Tommy shook.  
"I won't. I'll sober you up and take good care of you, 'kay?"  
"Okay," Tommy brightened up and gave Isaac a goofy smile.

"Why are you even helping me?" Tommy mumbled shortly followed by another dry heave into the toilet. He slumped up against the counter, defeated.  
"Because I'm your friend and I don't want you accidentally killing hamsters and being drunk for, like, weeks at a time." Isaac flushed the toilet. He had turned off the lights and filled the bath with hot water.  
"It was only, like, five days probably." Tommy muttered and downed three more Advil with a glass of water. Isaac shook his head.  
"Why… why did you attack me if you thought I was Adam?" Isaac asked shyly.  
Tommy hesitated. "What if I tell you and other people find out and the whole thing just blows up in my face?"  
"I won't."  
"Okay." And Tommy explained the entire thing with Amsterdam (not the making out) and the invitation to Paris and Sauli and the phone call however many nights ago where his phone died. He was careful to leave out Kansas. If he told anybody he'd be sent to a mental institution or an official rehab or something terrible. He vomited into the toilet at the thought of it.  
"You really love him?" Isaac said after cleaning Tommy up and making him drink more water.  
"I don't want to talk about it," Tommy whispered. His throat was raw from his morning with the porcelain and his entire body was shaking now.

Isaac nodded and picked Tommy up. He led him to the couch and settled him in. Tommy was too worn out to even protest the fact he did indeed own a bed that was much more comfortable than this. Isaac rubbed his shoulder for a moment before he drifted off to sleep. It was nightmarish but he didn't even have the strength to wake up.


	7. Finally

"Three days without a drink!" Isaac smiled when Tommy woke up around noon. He had been sleeping a lot to catch up from his nights playing video games which turned into mornings playing video games.  
"I think that calls for a toast." Tommy said groggily as he crashed onto the couch. It was Sunday morning. Maybe. Did they still have cartoons on?  
"You're funny," Monte muttered. At some point around when Tommy's headache became just some background noise Isaac had asked Monte to come over for a few hours each day. Isaac had a wife and all, but she understood. Monte had kids and a record to promote.

Monte had suggested watching one of those video countdowns because If I Had You was on but Isaac declined since he was strongly against most pop music and Tommy wanted to watch Weeds. Monte and Isaac asked too many god damned questions so Tommy just opted for The Office.  
"My favorite character is Meredith because she's like me," Tommy said.  
"You have sex with terrorists?" Monte glanced at him. Isaac hadn't seen the show before so he just checked Twitter on his phone.  
"Oh my god, all the time." Tommy smirked. As long as Adam was out of the picture, he was almost back to normal. Maybe tomorrow if his head stopped pounding he'd pick up the guitar.

"Isaac, you can go home if you want. I'm fine," Tommy said the next morning.  
"Well the second I leave you're just gonna go buy more beer," Isaac said from the living room.  
"Can't. Broke. Crashed the car." Tommy shrugged and sat on top of Isaac.  
"You can still walk, can't you? Or did the alcohol make you permanently immobile?" Isaac shoved Tommy onto the ground and Tommy stayed there.  
"It's not like you can stay here forever. Besides, I have shit to work out with Adam. I think. If he isn't fucking Sauli right now," Tommy focused on something in the distance just past Isaac's head.  
"Shouldn't you be happy for him?"  
Tommy broke down. He crawled into Isaac's lap and stared sobbing into his shoulder. Isaac, dumbfounded, patted Tommy on the back and just let him cry. It was a long time before Tommy finally let go and pulled away. He was still on Isaac's lap when he started talking through the tears. "I know… b-but it's so… so hard to whe-when he's such… a bitch t-to me… he-he dunn't know… don't know… how m-much… I-I love him-m."  
"I'm sorry, Tommy. I know how it is." Isaac murmured. He'd had a feeling that Tommy felt something more for Adam but when Tommy finally admitted it, it was just entirely different. It was like a blow to the chest and Isaac was embarrassingly shocked.  
"You don't!" Tommy cried out. "Y-you don't know… when h-he thinks it is j-just for fun… and m-most fans do t-too. He doesn't e-even think… what it d-does to me. I a-always… I always thought I-I was straight b-but I was… never sure. A-and now I love him… and I love him a-and he doesn't even know! Or care!" Isaac failed at calming him down. It was just a downward spiral from here on out. "A-and I tried tuh-to tell him b-but he just laughed and told me I w-was being silly. R-right before Amsterdam. It-it was like he was t-testing me? I wish I didn't fuck up like that… then h-he wouldn't have s-said and done all th-that. I guess it's my fault."  
"Tommy, you can't always take all the blame," Isaac whispered. The light was dim in the apartment and all he could see were shadows and the glint of light from Tommy's misty eyes.

Finally Tommy crawled off of Isaac and led him out the door. He thanked him and explained how much he owed him in the future and that he might have died without his help. Might have. He went back to the couch and tried to distract himself but somehow everything reminded him of Adam. He thought Sauli was a cunt because Sauli probably knew somehow but didn't care. He had seen that smirk on his face in the paparazzi photos. That sneering, untrusting smirk. He wanted to go through the screen and take Adam and tell him not to trust Sauli and that he could trust him. He wouldn't ever hurt Adam like that. He knew dating his bandmates was a horrible idea from personal experience but, God, he was so desperate to just be with Adam. It scared him.

Across the room, through the settling dust and dim shafts of light, Tommy's phone lit up. He scrambled over to it.

_Hi. I'm sorry._

His fingers attacked the keys before he could even register what he wanted to say.

_Its ok how r u?_

The reply didn't come for awhile. His fingers drummed on his knee and he stared at the blank screen to come back to life. It did after five minutes.

_Pretty good. Been exploring LA w friends. You?_

Tommy sighed. Of course he hadn't been invited. He felt ashamed that was the first thing he thought of but fuck it. It was real.

_Oh, u kno. Ben drunk, crashed my car, Isaac had to sober me up, depressed. _

He wasn't totally sure why he actually said that until Adam called him. That was why.

"What the hell?" Adam asked.  
"Hell the what." Tommy deadpanned. Now he just didn't want to ever talk to Adam again.  
"Since when are you depressed?" Adam nearly shrieked into the phone.  
Tommy wanted to say _ever since you became a total cunt and ignored me because Sauli is better than me,_ but instead he just said "It's not a big deal."  
"You may think for some reason that I don't give a fuck about you because we haven't spoken in awhile, but that's not true. What is going on?" Adam said.  
"You want the truth?" Tommy looked away like Adam was in the room staring him down.  
"Yes," Adam breathed.  
"Well you're not gonna get it because you're a douche."  
"Uh, wh-"

Tommy pulled the phone away from his ear. The line had died. He was ready to hurl the god damned thing at the wall when Adam called back.

"Phone died," he explained.  
"Okay."  
"Why did you call me a douche?" Adam finally asked.  
Tommy hesitated. _Whatever. He'll figure it out soon enough. _"I'll just lay it down on the line. And if it gets me fucked over, don't make me seem like a total cunt. I'm only part cunt.  
When you called me all those times with Sauli being all giggly and shit – no. Wait. Let me start over." He took a long pause. "I'll just tell you what I've told Isaac. I love you. Annnd… I always thought I was straight but not completely. And then on stage you just treated all that like it was just a big joke and I guess I never really minded until Europe and…"  
"Tommy?" Adam's voice was so quiet that the speaker barely picked it up.  
"And, like… I don't know really anymore. I said no to Paris because I felt weird about that night after Amsterdam and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to be in a relationship, even if you did. I think you did. But those phone calls, you seemed so happy with Sauli and I felt like shit and I don't wanna make you feel like shit right now but you made me feel like it, so whatever. And then, yeah," Tommy paused not sure what he meant to say next. "So I drank and then I drove – that's not important. I wanted to get better and I'm still not but I kinda ended up breaking Isaac's nose in the process and, um, yeah I haven't had a drink for about four days now. So I don't really know why I told you that I'm freaking out right now and I'm freaking out even more that I'm telling you I'm freaking out tell you this."  
Pause.  
Pause.  
Pause.  
"Where did you drive?" Adam whispered.  
"It's not-" Tommy began.  
"Where?" Adam demanded.  
"Kansas."  
"Drunk?"  
"Mostly."  
"Sauli broke up with me last night after posting private pictures on the internet." Adam suddenly said like a bubble that popped.  
"Like, of… you tw-" Tommy started again.  
"Yeah," Adam said softly. "Perez is a douche because he's posting them all on his website and I thought we were friends and now I'm screwed and the public probably hates me. The fans are gonna get all this shit, probably more than me and-"  
"I'm sorry," Tommy didn't say anything like _I knew it_ or _I should have warned you_ or anything.  
"I'm sorry for making you feel like shit and driving to Kansas and probably almost dying."  
"I forgive you." 


	8. Fun Night

They said goodbye and Adam suggested they hang out later so Tommy gave him a vague 'sounds good' and he hung up.  
He had been expecting some feeling of euphoria now that they were forgiven. There was supposed to be a big party now that they were friends.  
But he still felt mad at Adam.  
"Things are too complicated," he muttered to himself and turned on the TV. He sat on the couch watching Alice in Chains on Palladia until eight when he automatically got up and went into the bathroom.

_I'm going clubbing,_ he thought to himself as he picked up the eyeliner and began to get ready. Washing his hair was out of the question so he sprinkled some baby powder on it to make it look less disgusting and put on some unmatching hat that he would lose within five minutes anyways. Before leaving, he gave himself a once over in the bathroom mirror. Knee-high lace up boots (that were probably Adam's at one point- they were way too big), skin-tight black pants, leather jacket and vintage shirt. It seemed like something Adam might wear so it probably looked good. He touched up his already overdramatic eyes and decided to go for the black lipstick. If he was hooking up with somebody lip gloss would have been smart but he was too messed up to care.

_I'm going 2 a club and yea I'm gonna get drunk, _he texted Isaac. Isaac deserved to know.

_Can I come?_ Isaac replied. Tommy ignored it. He didn't want to seem like a douche but he really just wanted to go alone. That was probably a first for him but whatever. He'd just tell Isaac he didn't check his texts.

It was one of those seedy and dirty (more so than most) clubs with an entrance in a dark alley with at least one drug dealer lurking around. At ten at night and the club was just starting to get busy. He made his way to the bar and through the smoke, bought a drink. His plan was to hang out here at the bar and wait until it got more crowded to go out and dance. He didn't really dance; he just kind of found the prettiest girl and hoped she went for guys in make-up. Nobody seemed to care in this club though. As long as you could get a nice sized dick, looks didn't matter.  
He recognized the song playing because it was one of those overly synthesized songs Adam was always playing on the tour. It seemed to be a favorite because about twenty more people joined the orgy on what was supposed to be a dance floor. Tommy wondered if it was legal to just have flat-out sex on the dance floor like those two brunette lesbians.

"Tommy?" someone tapped him on the shoulder and shouted over the music. In his attempt to turn around, he dropped his glass of Jack Daniels which he would never pay for and nearly fell out of his chair. "What are you doing here?" Adam was clearly confused.  
"Uh… what one does at a club? Get drunk, dance, fuck?" Tommy was bewildered. "Why are you at this kind of club? Wouldn't you be going to those, like, fancy famous-people clubs with the cool lights?"  
"Brad invited me," Adam gestured to his big-eyed ex-boyfriend already dry humping some guy across the place. He sort of chuckled and sort of frowned at the sight.  
"Oh, that's lovely. Your ex inviting you to a club and now humping some stranger," Tommy observed and turned around to face the bar. Adam sat down next to him. The glow of the lights flickered in his light eyes as he checked out the wall of liquor.  
"Can I buy you a drink?" Adam asked. Tommy gave him a brief look of appreciation that he had so far ignored the phone call.  
"Yes please," Tommy smiled. "Why aren't you disguised? Won't people recognize you?"  
"It doesn't matter because I'm sort of taken and this club doesn't like cameras." Adam explained as he ordered them two martinis.  
"I don't think Brad considers himself taken," Tommy jerked his finger over to Brad who was now sharing a drink with some new guy.  
"Thanks," Adam said to the bartender and gave Tommy his drink. He gave it an unsure look before taking a quick sip. "Haha, no I'm not with Brad. He just came with me. I was thinking I'm kind of with you?"  
Tommy nearly choked on his martini. "Uh," he coughed.  
"I'm sorry." Adam said instantly.  
"No, just, uh," Tommy stuttered. Whatever he was trying to say he couldn't get out of his mouth. "I didn't know."  
"I had a few drinks before coming," Adam made up some random excuse.  
"I mean, I guess, I wouldn't mind if I were with someone. I don't want to get like, raped." Tommy took a slow sip of the martini.  
"You might," Adam said absent-mindedly as he scanned the crowd.  
"What?" Tommy screeched. They were just friends, though.  
"I mean by someone else. That sounded creepy."  
Tommy laughed. Small talk like this he could handle. Especially with the help of alcohol. He ordered a beer for him and Adam but Adam declined so more for Tommy. They never got up to dance.

"Ahhhh, hey guys!" Brad stumbled up to them.  
"Damn, you're smashed," Tommy said.  
"So arrrre you!" Brad slurred. Tommy shrugged. "See that boy over there?" he pointed at the crowd. "I'mma gonna fuck him!"  
"Great." Adam smirked.  
"Arrre you," Brad pointed at Adam then to Tommy, "gonna fuck him?" Tommy looked at Adam.  
"If he wants," Adam didn't even looked at Brad.  
"Aww, you whore!" Brad laughed. "I love this guy, man. He's just craaazzyy!"  
Brad took his shirt off and handed it to Adam and galloped over to the guy he was trying to pick up.

Adam and Tommy laughed as Brad dragged this guy towards the bathroom about five minutes later. In those five minutes, Tommy had downed about five more drinks. Adam was only on his second so Tommy decided to give him some encouragement. "If you drink faster I'll kiss you."  
"Okay," Adam said and three minutes later he was well on his way to being as drunk as Tommy.

"Fun night, fun night." Tommy repeated as he led Adam back to his apartment. 


	9. Speaker

"I want to top," Tommy slammed the door behind him.  
"No, I top. Always," Adam retorted taking a brief moment to glance around for a place to shove Tommy down.  
"We can both top then," Tommy gave Adam a blinding smile.  
"Is that possible?" There was nowhere to really fuck except the sofa but it wasn't big enough to really fit them. He wasn't going to go look for a bed or something.  
"I'm drunk," Tommy said and grabbed Adam's hand.

Adam broke free of Tommy's power grip and instead placed his hands on Tommy's waist and shoved him on top of the counter. Tommy let out a soft _oof!_ at the impact but quickly quieted down when Adam started kissing him. It was rough and sloppy and uncoordinated as Adam gave up undoing Tommy's belt and just kicked the blonde's boots and pants. He was pretty sure they were his boots. Tommy was blindly tugging off Adam's jacket and kicking at his pants all without taking his mouth off Adam's. Somebody would have eventually decided this was unproductive but they were too drunk and already naked enough to fuck.

"I don't want a lot of foreplay," Tommy breathed as he began licking at Adam's neck.  
"What about fingering you open?" Adam moaned.  
"Fuck it," Tommy pulled away and began jacking Adam off.  
"Stoprightnowohmygodifyoudon'," Adam tugged his dick out of Tommy's grasp. Tommy's hand reached for it but he was already shoving into Tommy's hole.  
"SHIT!" Tommy screamed. "Oh god, oh god, oh god."  
"What?" Adam was still pounding away. Tommy was impossibly tight and Adam was going to come any second.  
"It hurts so fucking bad. Ah, stop it." Tommy whined, pulling away.  
"No, baby. It's good," Adam tried reassuring him but Tommy was already crawling away and Adam's dick wasn't even in his ass anymore. What? "It isn't bleeding."  
"But you're so fucking _big_. I didn't ev-" Tommy cut off mid-sentence.  
"Sorry," Adam said automatically and slowly began fingering the tiny blonde open.  
After a few minutes, "'K, Ready."

Adam stared into Tommy's glassy eyes and he wasn't completely sure what he was even seeing anymore. He thrust into Tommy and Tommy gasped but he was better. He wasn't as tight which was probably a good thing for Tommy but not for Adam. He kept thrusting and Tommy was under him whining and moaning and scratching and kicking but Adam felt slightly disconnected now. But sex was sex and once it got to the point where Tommy was adding his own fingers in his hole with one hand and jacking himself off with the other, it started to click. His thrusts became fast and erratic and Tommy's fingers had no place where they were.

And then they came.  
And then Adam's phone started to ring.  
And then in Adam's haste to answer it, it ended up on speaker.  
And then Tommy's heart was torn in two. Again.

"Where you at, baby?" Sauli purred.  
"Place." Adam said.  
"Come home. I'm waiting for you!"  
"You're back?"  
"Yeah. Early. Finland was great but I'm missing you."  
"Okay." Adam smiled and hung up.

"What was that?" Tommy deadpanned.  
"Sauli's back!" Adam cheered. "Aaaaand I'm naked!"  
"I thought you broke up." Tommy stared.  
"Oh, well. I lied. I lied to Brad too. That's why I was at the club but I saw you," Adam smiled and tugged up his pants.  
"What…" Tommy began. He was at a loss of words.  
"Talk to ya later. Nice sex, but I feel bad cheating on my boyfriend," Adam waved and then he slammed the door behind him.


	10. Hernandez

A/N: Dedicated to those who get Hernandez. o3o

* * *

Alcohol wasn't enough. Tommy turned to the drugs sold by the dealers in a nearby alley. He found himself on LSD more often than not because it was cheaper than the other stuff and for every fifteenth hit he bought he got one free. And that shit was trippy.

One night a few days later Tommy found himself in a life-or-death chase from the Spinny Monster and would have crashed through his window if one of the Spinny Monster's kittens hadn't flown through the window and bit his pinky finger. A lot of his trips involved the Spinny Monster. The Spinny Monster looked sort of like a kaleidoscope but he couldn't ever really see it because everything was warped and colorful. Again, shit was trippy.

"Hernandezzzzz! Why you no Mexican?" Crash called out from the shadows of the alley. He knew cops patrolled this area sometimes but Crash just didn't give a flying fuck.  
"Crashhhh! Why you no Bandicoot?" Tommy answered in turn.  
"Boy, you funny, Hernandez," Crash murmured as the two exchanged goods. Tommy – or rather, Hernandez to Crash – glanced around making sure nobody saw. "You single?"  
"Straight though," Tommy replied. He'd never actually had much of a conversation with the short man.  
"Yee, I gots me a pretty girl you should meet. Loves the pretty guys," Crash poked Hernandez's shoulder. "Name's La'lisha. Related to Robert Plant."  
"La'lisha?" Tommy repeated.  
"Lindsay," Crash repeated impatiently.  
"Hey, cool. When can I meet her?" Tommy actually felt a small burst of excitement.  
"Tomorrow night. We's havin' a party. Kinda. Lots of drugs. You in, Hernandez?" Crash said.  
"Yeah. Give me an address and I'll be there." Tommy smirked. Crash handed him a torn cover of Kerrang! with an address on it. He didn't recognize it.

The location of the party, apparently, was at Lindsay's apartment. She answered the door, dark fringe covering one of her lavender eyes dressed in nothing but booty shorts and a black bra.  
"You Hernandez?" she spilled the contents of her red cup as she gestured wildly to the people behind her.  
"Si," Tommy tried to seem friend.  
"You speak Spanish? Aw, fuck, Crash. You crazy man! We no hablo Spanish!" She turned around and flailed her arms in Crash's direction.  
"I-I was joking. I don't speak Spanish," Tommy crossed the threshold.  
"AHH! HE CAME IN!" Lindsay screeched and ran back into the living room. "FUCKIN' MEXICANS!"  
"She's kidding!" Crash smiled. His hair was dyed bubblegum pink and was combed over to the side. "We got a lot of shit to experiment with tonight and we might die."  
"Fuckin' readaaaayyy!" Lindsay screeched and hugged Crash.

They sat around a circle of various drugs, snorting and injecting and swallowing. Tommy was freaking the fuck out and barely even used some crack before stopping. He laughed as Lindsay threw an acid tablet at him and accused him of being a party pooper.  
"No, sorry. I don't want to dieeee!" He giggled and fell into her lap.  
The party was short because Crash passed out mid-conversation and after Tommy's attempt to get into her pants, so did Lindsay. He tucked his phone number into her pocket and left. He liked Lindsay. She was quirky and adventurous in a mostly good way. Whether or not she would die from all these drugs by next year, he wasn't sure. She would definitely be a good fuckbuddy. Or even girlfriend. That would make Adam jealous…

_Oh God, Adam.  
_The black haired man crossed his mind on his lonely walk home. How he wished that one night had never happened.

_I'm really sleepy,_ he thought through the haze of confusion. A park bench was nearby and it sure looked inviting. He curled up on the right half and passed out instantly. Cars kept driving by even at three in the morning and it was cold as fuck without a jacket. But it was so much better than the sleep he'd get in his haunted apartment.

"Hernandez?" a soft voice whispered and something poked his side. He blinked the sleep out of his eyes. Talk about a hangover.  
"Oh, hi," he wiped his eyes. Lindsay was standing in front of him, long hair done up, one lavender and one ebony eye staring down on him.  
"Are you homeless?" she cocked her head to the side and dropped the stick she used to poke him. Her quiet, curious voice reminded Tommy of a little girl. He kind of wanted to hug her.  
"Kinda," he answered. She gestured for him to go on. "I have a home but it's sort of fucked up back there so I guess I'm homeless for the next, like, week."  
"You can stay with me. I only do drugs once a year other than Burning Man. Serious self control. Anyways, it's really fun at my house. You can watch me and my band practice. I play bass," she gave him a sweet smile. Tommy's heart melted.  
"I play bass in a band too," Tommy got up and, cautiously, wrapped his arms around her. She smiled and hugged him back.  
"What's it called?" she asked when he let go.  
"It doesn't really have a name. I guess 'Adam Lambert's band'," he was too tired to give a fuck that she'd exploit him now.  
"Oh, cool. Never heard of them. Mine's called The Heartbreakers," they walked aimlessly around the street. Nobody was out at this time except the occasional person who had to get to work by five in the morning.  
"Like Tom Petty?"  
"Shut up."

* * *

A/N: YOU ALL MADDDD? :D

Don't worry. It'll work itself out.

eventually.


	11. Flashbang

"I don't like going on dates," Tommy admitted softly.  
"But it seems right," Linsday frowned. She looked up and down the In-N-Out menu and Tommy sat there quietly. He had been there enough to know his order without needing to check the menu. Apparently some LA citizens hadn't. She looked up into his eyes suddenly. There was suggestiveness in those multi-colored eyes. He returned the look. "Tommy Joe!" she shrieked. "No flirting in public!"  
"I agree. I prefer fucking in public," he shrugged. She laughed. He didn't, though.

The waitress came up and they both made their orders. Lindsay asked the waitress lot of questions and even though it sort of bothered Tommy how talkative she was, it was sort of endearing. Like how most people must find his drinking problem since he has actual friends. _Oh god, Adam…_ And somehow the word 'friend' triggered the word 'Adam' triggered the sudden tearing of his heart into tiny pieces all over again.  
"I'll be right back," he choked out and made his way to the bathroom.

He locked the door behind him and crumpled into a heap on the ground.  
He wasn't into girls.  
Well he was.  
But he wasn't.  
He was into Adam.  
Still.  
Why?  
He was a cunt.  
But he was technically dating Lindsay and there really was no talking to your girlfriend about your creepy crush on another guy even though he has been quite possibly the worst person to you ever. And Lindsay brought him back to earth because she was rapping on each stall door softly calling for Tommy Joe (she had found out his real name when she saw one of Isaac's texts). He didn't want to answer but she would see his boots and half his body on the grimy tile so he got up and said:  
"Hi. Sorry."  
"Hi… are you okay?" Lindsay reached up for Tommy's smeared eyeliner.  
"Yeah. Sorry. It's no big deal."  
"You've been crying!"  
"Don't. Worry. About. Me."

Lindsay occupied most of Tommy's time this last week. She was working today – every Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday at the music store – so he just sat at home and played Red Dead. He never turned on the lights unless somebody was over so it was no surprise he saw the text the instant his phone lit up.

_Adam is some obscure concert 2nite w sauli if u wanna go show off ur new woman_

Somehow Isaac remained neutral in all of this but somehow he still remained fucking awesome. Tommy said sure because why the hell not it'd be funny and Isaac gave him the address. Lindsay was probably off work by now so he decided to call her because she refused to answer texts. He briefly wondered how he paid for his phone bill and what he would be without that phone.

"Hey, wanna go to a concert with me tonight?" he asked when she picked up.  
"Sure. What band? Do I know them?" she answered. Tommy could hear the roar of LA traffic around her.  
"Uhh… they're called Flashbang. I dunno. Do you?"  
"Nope. Sounds good though. I'll go straight over to your place."  
"Bring your car." He deadpanned.  
"Why?"  
"Crashed mine some time ago. I'll drive."  
"Okay."

An hour later Lindsay was tapping her familiar rhythm on his apartment door, cheery as ever. He embraced her when she crossed the threshold.

"Whoa! You dyed your hair!" he exclaimed, twirling a piece of blue-ish green lock of hair around his fingers.  
"And new eyes!" he checked out her new black and glasz eyes. "I got off early today, so I thought: why not!"  
"It looks awesome," he kissed her and then led her back out the door.

It was instantaneous. He pulled up her old clunker on the side of the building and twenty feet away out stepped two men, one with blonde and one with jet black hair. Adam's hand was wrapped tight around Sauli's waist, Sauli's mouth close to Adam's ear. Something stabbed Tommy in the chest and he had to cover up a cry of pain as a sneeze. Grasping Linsday's small hand in his own they walked into the building right behind Adam. Tommy tried to keep his face hidden because suddenly this wasn't funny or revengeful and it was just scary as fuck.

"Hey," Linsday reached up and prodded Adam's shoulder inside the venue. "could you step over a tad? I can't see."  
"Oh, of-" Adam stopped talking when he saw Tommy. He saw their hands clasped together and gave Tommy a horrified look. Adam seized Tommy's forearm and dragged him away from the small gathering crowd.

"What the hell? Since when can you have a girlfriend and when are you stra-" Adam hissed close up to Tommy's face.  
"Get the hell away from me!" Tommy jerked his arm away from Adam.  
"Who the fuck are you? LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lindsay ran up to Adam and shoved him away from Tommy. Sauli silently swooped in behind and separated Lindsay from Adam. Tommy had gone into some form of shock and was watching with giant eyes from the corner. "DUDE!"  
"I…" Adam began but his voice cracked and then Sauli was wiping the tears streaming down his face. "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god," he repeated under his breath. "Oh, no, oh, no…"  
"Baby?" Sauli murmured trying to calm Adam down.  
"Oh, god no. Leave me alone I can't…." Adam whispered. Sauli gave him a concerned look and glared at Lindsay. She flipped him off before he disappeared into the crowd.

"Tommy, baby, it's okay. That douche deserved what I did, okay. What is going on?" Lindsay gripped Tommy's hand in both of hers and squeezed tight.  
"I can't… don't… what…" Tommy stared at something in the distance. Adam was still muttering under his breath rocking back and forth on his heels.  
Lindsay tried comforting Tommy for a long time. The band had even taken the stage and played the first time when Adam blurted out:  
"Oh, god no! I'm so sorry, oh my god what… I can't even, sorry… Oh my god! I! Am! So! Sorry!" Tears were pouring down his face and he wasn't even recognizable.  
"Please go," Tommy whispered to Lindsay and she nodded off into the crowd.  
"I am so sorry, I don't know what got into my oh my god I'm such a cunt you probably hate me why did I ever do that ohmygodiamsososososorry how could I even do that I just, oh god," Adam fell into the wall. Tommy's eyes finally found reality and he silently watched as Adam's body heaved up and down as he presumably sobbed. "So- sorry- so- sorry" he cried out.  
"I…"


	12. You

"Is this the part where I forgive you and we live happily ever after together?" Tommy asked between songs.  
The show was drawing to a close by now and nobody had bothered them the entire time. Adam had calmed down and was sitting cross-legged against the wall drawing patterns in his jeans. He didn't say anything.

"Hey, are you ready to go?" Sauli approached Adam after the show. Tommy could tell how awkward he felt.  
"Uh," Adam reached up and Sauli pulled him to his feet. He turned to Tommy, "Can we please talk another time?"  
"Sure," Tommy said tonelessly. Adam smiled and left with Sauli. Tommy waited for Lindsay to come over and find him but she never came.

Eventually the bartender had to ask Tommy to leave. He left. He walked around LA for awhile. He was probably trying to find a place to sleep but his mind was only the image of Adam curled up on the floor crying. He wanted to forgive him and in a perfect world he could forgive him. But it could just be some cruel joke in which Tommy would fall for Adam all over again and actually have him and then… gone. By the time most people had left the clubs with their selected one night stand Tommy had realized how frigid the air was. His jacket wasn't doing much to help. His phone vibrated against his hip.

_So ur gay? Thx! Thx 4 using me!_

Tommy frowned.

_O and crash hates u too! Fuck you!_

He considered telling her she used too many exclamation marks for three in the morning but reasoned to just delete her number and never think about her again. They'd never even had sex.  
And naturally, that triggered the memory of him and Adam he thought had been completely buried under things shittier than that. Turns out there wasn't enough.

Tommy dragged himself back to his apartment. It was five blocks away, which was just long enough for his fingers and toes to go numb from cold. He walked into the small, dirty place expecting to just pass out on the couch when it wasn't there. Too tired to be shocked, he checked and sure enough there was a repo notice on the door.  
"Fuck."

_Starbucks 8?_, woke him up from a restless sleeps. In fact, freezing sidewalks are even more uncomfortable than you'd expect. Even though it came from an unknown number, Tommy instantly knew who it was and what Starbucks to be at by eight. It was three blocks away from where he had crashed. He knew this city pretty well if he could just keep walking until he passed out and still know where he was the next morning.

"Uh, what time is it?" Tommy called out to a man rushing by.  
The man checked his wrist. "Quarter to eight."  
"Oh, okay. Thanks," Tommy grimaced and tried to stretch away his aches and pains.

"Hello," Adam said briskly as a battered Tommy approached the coffee store.  
"You're always so punctual," Tommy muttered.  
"You're thirty minutes late," Adam retorted.  
"If you're gonna be like this I'm leaving," Tommy hissed as they entered the building. "I'm broke, just dumped and they repo'ed all my shit."  
"Oh," Adam's voice got small. "Where are you staying?"  
"I don't fucking know, okay? I slept on the god damn _sidewalk_ last night and I'm pretty sure I'm sick from the cold."  
"If you're gonna be like _that_ then forget it," Adam said.

They ordered their coffees and Adam even bought Tommy a blueberry muffin when he asked and sat down as far away from people as possible. If the paparazzi saw them, oh well.

"Why?" Tommy asked.  
Adam hesitated. "Really?"  
"Well we didn't come here to talk about Lady Gaga's newest song."  
Adam sighed.

"I really don't even know. That night in the club with the… whole… Perez shit. Well it did happen but I didn't break up with Sauli. Like, we were in it together and it sucked but I guess at the time I thought he was mad at me. So yeah I told Brad about it and I guess I twisted the story and he thought I was single. I guess he still wanted me back. And I was actually somewhat drunk before going to the club. So then Sauli called me, er, _after_ and I was super smashed and glad he called and well. I didn't even think about it. And so last night he said he wanted to 'take some time off' because he saw whatever the fuck happened last night."  
Tommy didn't say anything and just sipped his coffee. His cup was nearly empty by the time he figured out what to say. "What do you want us to be?"  
"Honestly? More than this. More than always giving each other the cold shoulder and being on such rocky ground constantly. More than just a 'maybe'," he paused. "I- I need you in my life."  
"How does that work when I'm unable to trust you?" Tommy decided that it would be smart to avoid the topic of how in love he still was with Adam.  
"I don't know," Adam admitted. "I just really want it to. I need it to."  
"Me too," Tommy picked at the muffin. "But I really don't see-"  
"It can, trust me. Please. I love you, Tommy. I love you more than anything in this world. Please," Adam begged. "I love you."  
It amazed Tommy the way Adam had with his words. "I love you so fucking much. But I don't know if this can happen."


	13. Sick

Why is this chapter so short…

* * *

The two watched as men and women rushed in and out of the coffee shop not even giving them a second thought. Adam got up silently and ordered them each another coffee.

"Are you cold?" Adam asked finally.  
"Nah, I'm just shivering for the fun of it," Tommy replied, lifting the steaming cup to his chapped lips.  
"Do you want my jacket?" Adam began to shrug it off his shoulders.  
"No, I actually graduated eighth grade, like, fifteen years ago." Tommy said. Adam frowned.  
They sipped their coffee in silence for a few minutes. Right before it became absolutely unbearable, Adam began talking.

"But why can't it work?" he said.  
"I can't trust you! You-" Tommy stopped talking. He was going to say too much.  
"Me what?" Adam froze.  
"You- ah, nothing." Tommy forced a smile through his chattering teeth.  
"Tommy, tell me." Adam challenged.  
"Damnit, I wasn't gonna say anything."

The silence resumed, they didn't even make eye contact this time. Tommy felt uncomfortable as hell and figured he'd have to tell Adam eventually. So instead of dwelling on that thought, he looked around the place. There was only the occasional customer rushing in and out and he could feel the weird looks from the girl behind the counter. He was too weak to care what the hell she thought. She didn't know the circumstances. But it still got to Tommy.

"It's noon." Adam announced.  
"Cool. I'll just stay here for the rest of the day since there's no point going back to my apartment," Tommy responded.  
"It's not like you don't have the apartment still," Adam said. "That sounded heartless – sorry."  
"I think they're gonna take the whole damn thing away soon anyways. I haven't payed the rent in too long," he sighed.  
"I could bring you back to my place," Adam offered.  
"Please?" Tommy gave a cold, sheepish grin.  
"This relationship is about to get really fucked up." Adam said, standing up.  
"I know," Tommy smirked, placing his tiny hand in Adam's. He couldn't help not forgiving Adam.


End file.
